Balancing my Desire for Spontaneous Intimacy While Seeking a Committed Partnership
Being a gay man approaching 50, I’ve spent numerous, largely pleasurable years engaging in spontaneous encounters with other men from my teenage years. During my fourth decade, I had a serious relationship which continued for a significant period, but it never fully satisfied me, in that I felt neither loved or intimately fulfilled. Truthfully, my constant desire has been for uncommitted intimacy. Whenever I start to date a potential partner, once the newness fades, I always get the urge to have sex with other men once more.
Questioning the Possibility of Exclusive Commitment
I am now wondering if I’ll ever be able to maintain a monogamous relationship. I'm aware that many homosexual males engage in open relationships, yet when I’ve witnessed them, they have seemed like hard work, frequently causing lots of heartache and envy among all parties. To a large extent, I want a partner to care for me while allowing me to remain sexually free, but I dread to imagine the psychological toll this might create. Is it best to keep having casual sex and acknowledge that a long-term relationship may be unattainable? I’m feeling somewhat confused.
Every person’s intimate path fluctuates. Try not to think about what you require in partnerships or your capacity to tolerate various forms of sexual unions in a finite way. What you need in your current state could easily shift in the future; at a certain time you might become more decisive and find some clarity and a comfortable path … or perhaps not. At some point you could encounter someone offering a transformative opportunity for you through mirroring your desires completely … and later on you might decide that casual connections are best for you. Fretting over what lies ahead and playing the “What if?” game is merely rooted in fear and a waste of your efforts. Try to be present with your partners, and see the value of each person you connect with intimately an intimate bond. When and if the time is right to deepen true intimacy with a single person, you will know.
- Pamela Stephenson Connolly practices as a US-based therapy professional focusing on addressing sexual disorders.
